Delete This at Your Peril Page 18
Please quick
Natalia
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: Can we save Natalia’s grandmother? No we can’t.
Natalia,
I have some bad news on several fronts. I bumped into Cruncher McKenzie this morning. Yes, that Cruncher McKenzie. He was walking his Alsation (Cruncher Junior) and I had a wee chat with him about my Russian plan. I said I was planning on going out there and that things could get a bit hairy. He said that he didn’t think it was a good idea. I told him about the hammer, the itching powder and the penknife and he said that he didn’t think that would be enough. He said the Russians were bampots, worse than Fifers. Now, Natalia, when Cruncher McKenzie tells you something is dangerous, then you do well to listen.
I had a good think about it on the bus home and I have decided, reluctantly, that I can’t come to Russia and, frankly, I shouldn’t let myself get wrapped up in the whole sorry mess. I hope that you and your grandmother get through this, I’m sure you will as you are a tough couple of blighters. Just remember –
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Ooooh baby.50
Yours,
Bob Servant
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: re: Can we save Natalia’s grandmother? No we can’t.
I do not believe that you are serious.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: re: Can we save Natalia’s grandmother? No we can’t.
I share your suspicions.
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NO REPLY/THE END
45. An edition of the Broughty Ferry Gazette from April 16 1990 carries an article entitled ‘Broughty Man in Windowcleaning Boast’. The article reports – ‘Local fast food tycoon Bob Servant claims that his new windowcleaning round is the largest in Western Europe’. ‘It’s so long’ suggests Servant in the article, ‘we have to change our watches halfway through because we lose an hour.’ A representative from the Tayside Chamber of Commerce is quoted ‘This isn’t even the biggest windowcleaning round in Tayside. Servant is an exhibitionist’. Servant responds that the spokesman is a ‘yes man’ and ‘has lost touch with the man in the street’.
46. The leader article of the Broughty Ferry Gazette of 3 November 2008 was entitled ‘Obama is our Man(a)’.
47. Inhabitants of the Scottish region of Fife are free to vote anywhere in Great Britain and Northern Ireland, providing they have the needed paperwork.
48. ‘I’ll Bring Pride Back to Broughty Bowling’ was the headline of an article in the Broughty Ferry Gazette of 5 July 1986. The paper’s leader article that day urged the local people to choose ‘old-fashioned family values’ over a ‘dangerous eccentric with his eye on the catering contract’.
49. This was a picture of Hen Broon, a member of the popular Scottish cartoon family The Broons. In a famous strip from the 1960s, Hen purchased a bubble car. The cramped nature of the vehicle and Hen’s extreme height led to great confusion. Bob does not have the right to reproduce this cartoon. He produced a piece of paper from a man who drives a delivery van for the publisher, but it was badly spelt and certainly not legally enforceable.
50. At this stage Bob inserted the entire lyrics to When the Going Gets Tough by Billy Ocean. I asked if he had confirmed the reproduction rights and he insisted that he had after meeting Billy Ocean at a butcher’s in Carnoustie. I’ve decided to err on the side of caution and left in only the last two lines, which don’t really do the song justice.
11
Peter’s Pots
From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: REPRESENTATIVE (JOB OFFER)
Dear Beloved,
Pleasant day, I have a job offer for you. My name is Peter Anderson, I am 46 years of age and I work with UNION VENTURES INC. LTD. We extract raw materials from Africa for clients in American geographical region (United States and Canada).
We are looking for a representative in America and Canada to work for us as a part time worker and are willing to Pay 10% every transaction. These payment would come to you in your name, so all you need do is cash it out, deduct your payment and wire the rest to us via Western Union. But sometimes the (FBI) gets involved in case someone tries to run with our money, I hope that is okay.
We are looking forward to your quick reply. Please if you are interested give us your full contact details
Regards,
Peter Anderson
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: Hello there
Peter,
This sounds very interesting indeed. And thanks for the tip-off about the FBI. I have long suspected they are monitoring my affairs and this just confirms it. One thing though, I’m not in America. Big Bobby comes boxing out of the badlands of Broughty Ferry,
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: HI
Good day to you,
This is OK, we also need representatives where you live. The FBI would only be involved in our man runs with money. You are to work for us as our part time worker and receive payments from our customers. They pay direct into your account or send you check which you cash and deduct your % and send to us the rest through reliable source western union money transfer. We deal in raw materials so the sums will be often large, so will your % be!
Your faithfully,
Peter Anderson.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: What materials Pedro? There may be a market
Hello Peter,
Good to hear from you. Can you tell me a little more please about the raw materials you deal in? I have a good friend over here – Frank Theplank - who is a trader in raw materials and I think we might be able to talk turkey.
Yours in hope,
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello Bob
HI,
Nice hearing from you. Regarding your question, Union Ventures is number one registered company in west Africa that deals on all kinds of raw materials. Still looking forward to get the informations specified, but tell us about your friend’s business needs and we may be able to work with him,
Thank you.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: Frank’s Needs
Peter
How are you my man? I’m sitting having a mug of OVD and watching Countdown. I like to call it Rum and Sums. I have just phoned Frank and told him a little bit about you. He was busy with the Coronation Street fruit machine at the Ferry Inn but he sounded quite interested and said to ask if you deal in any of the following
Timber
Rubber
China Pots
Look forward to hearing from you,
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Hi,
Bob i got your mail. Yes we deal in Timber, Rubber, China pots and many others. Please tell your friend. We are a large company and so can do discounts,
Thanks You,
Peter
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: HE WANTS THOSE POTS
Peter,
OK, I have just called Frank. He is particularly interested in the china pots, just as I knew he w
ould be. Frank has the Decorations Contract for a number of Dundee’s parks and so pots play a major part in his life. If I was to be honest with you Peter, Frank is absolutely barmy about pots. As I suspect you might be also? Frank’s going to come round here tomorrow, would you be able to send me some photos of your pots and also how much they cost?
It’s bloody freezing here Peter, it’s been snowing since last night. What’s that all about, it’s nearly summer. The Courier says it’s a freak incident, though I was along at Stewpot’s bar last night and the consensus there was that it’s either global warming or to do with a big fire in Whitfield at the weekend.
It was the monthly animal noise competition at Stewpot’s last night. I don’t know why I bother because, frankly, Chappy Williams has it sewn up with his chinchilla. Anyway, I came in sixth out of ten with my rhino which wasn’t too bad. I have to say the big success of the night was Tommy Peanuts with a new elephant impression that was really very good and quite scary. He wore a turban to make it an Indian elephant which everyone found very funny though I thought was a cheap trick and also you’re not supposed to have props so it was a bit out of order.
I said this to Chappy in the toilets and he said that Tommy was getting a bit big for his boots so went out and built a big nob out of snow and a traffic cone on the bonnet of Tommy’s car. Then Chappy said to me, ‘That’s a nob fit for an elephant, eh Bob?’, and we both laughed even though our hands were really cold. Sometimes he’s a right idiot Chappy, but every so often he comes up with a belter. I was in stitches the whole way home and the one thing I couldn’t get out of my head was, ‘this is the kind of thing that would crack Peter up’. Do you find it funny?
All the very best,
Many thanks,
Bob “Pots” Servant
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: THESE ARE SOME OF OUR COMPANY SAMPLES
Bob,
Yes what your friend Chappy did was very funny to me also. I hope your bad weather has stopped. Bob, here are some of our samples. Union Ventures are ready to offer you and Frank the best products and services. We will be proud to work with you,
Peter Anderson.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: LOOKING GOOD
Peter,
This all looks great. I didn’t realise that your company has a partnership with ‘Pots a Plenty’. I think you and I both know that those cats are generally considered to be number one in terms of pots. I’ll be honest with you Peter, as you have been with me, these pots look absolutely perfect and I think Frank is going to be quietly impressed. I am going to print out the photos and nip along to Doc Ferry’s to catch him before he heads off. He always has to get home for Neighbours, does old Frank.
Peter, do you mind if I ask you to send a photo of yourself? I feel like we’re friends and it would be good to know what you look like.
What are you up to tonight? I’ve got Frank coming round for a chicken party. We had six last time but then Frank was sick in my socks drawer so I think we’re going to take it a bit easier tonight.
Look forward to seeing your photo and I will let you know what Frank thinks about the pots. I think he’ll like them,
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Hello Bob,
This is my picture.51 I am looking forward to hearing your order quickly so I can put my top boys onto the job and have it ready to go for you. Chicken is a big dish here also, it is a speciality of my wife!
Yours,
Peter
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: Tall, Dark and Handsome too you lucky beggar!
Peter,
If you don’t mind me saying you are a very, very handsome man. My God Peter, you’re a sensation. Those are the most come to bed eyes that I have ever seen. Forget come to bed, they’re run to bed!
I finally managed to track down Frank. He’d been away playing the Cops and Robbers fruit machine at the ex-serviceman’s club all day. When I found him he was lying on one of the benches on the Esplanade. He didn’t make much sense but he did say that he would maybe take 500 pots from you if the price is right. I didn’t tell him that you’re such a big spunk though, or he might keep you for himself!
Any plans tonight? I’m just waiting for the football to come on, though some of the dross they have on the shows these days is embarrassing. Scotsport for example, that’s the bloody pits. It kills me if I’ve not made the United game and I have to tune into that garbage to catch the highlights. Bring back Dougie Donnelly, eh?52
But we’ve got this lad at United just now Peter, called Barry Robson and that’s why I can’t miss the goals. He’s a skinny wee ginger but, my God, the kid’s got it all. The shoulder drop, the old swing of the hips. By Christ Peter, Robson could go out there in slippers and they wouldn’t get near him.
Have a great night, God knows you deserve it,
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: 500 is OK for a start
Good day Mr Bob,
I hope your team won. It is good news about the order. 500 pots would be no problem for us here and you can promise Frank that they will be put together in our best factory. We are going to give you a credit facility here at UNION VENTURES as we know that Frank is a good businessman and character. We are also going to award you a 10% discount. So all we need right now is a deposit of $20 a pot and you can pay the balance later. That is $10,000 for now.
Peter Anderson
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: 2,000 POTS!
Peter, I just had a quick drink with Frank at Jolly’s. He was having a great run on the Andy Capp fruit machine so it was hard to get his full attention but what he did say was –
‘Bob, tell your man in Africa to get the guys in for a double shift because I am ready to put in an order that will blow his socks off’.
He then said, to my utter astonishment, that he need 2,000 pots by the end of the month! He has just agreed his budget with the council for doing a major reworking of Dawson Park. They’re getting rid of the tennis courts and he is going to replace it with –
‘FRANK’S WORLD OF POTS’.
There are going to be 2,000 pots filled with different things. Some plants but also surprises like chocolate bars, yo-yos, jazz mags and Chinese food. Passers-by will pay £2 and put their hand in any pot they choose and see what they come up with.
It’s a fantastic idea that is really going to shake things up over here. There is no doubt that this is going to take a lot of custom away from the swimming baths, the bowling club and, please God, the Limbo Walking Club who are a bunch of idiots.
It’s going to be very, very interesting Peter. Certainly the swimming baths are not going to take this lying down. I wouldn’t be surprised if they brought back Fancy Dress Sundays. That had them queueing right down to Youngy’s Garage back when they last did it. It was a great idea and there were some wonderful scenes in the pool. I’ll never forget pushing in the Queen Mother, pulling down Hitler’s shorts and then dive-bombing three Michael Jacksons. There’s not many people that can say they’ve done that down the swimming baths! I’m probably the only one.
The police made them stop holding Fancy Dress Sundays after Chappy and Frank nearly drowned. How they thought they were going to swim in a donkey outfit I have no fucking idea but that’s what the whole Fancy Dress Sunday scene did to people. It sent them bloody loopy. It was just a great time in Broughty Ferry’s history and I really believe that
FRANK’S WORLD OF POTS could have a similar effect.
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOONEST
Hi Bob,
I am very glad to hear from you again. I think what Frank and you are to do will be a great success and I am glad UNION VENTURES will be part of this. We will be very proud.
Regarding the order it will only take us a week as we will have the whole factory working night and day on it. The final cost to you will be $39 for each pot and then the postal costs. But as I tell you, for now you pay $20 each pot as a deposit. For 2,000 pots that’s $40,000. If this is a problem we can go with the agreed deposit of $10,000.
You must pay this money through Western Union so we can start on Frank’s pots.
Peter
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Anderson
Subject: Can you come?
Peter,
Frank just called me from the dog track. He said I was to make sure that the pots are suitable for people to put their hands in without risking the hands getting stuck. Most importantly, this must include motorbike riders who have not taken their gloves off because Frank says that most of those boys are fucking nutters so if their hands got stuck then they’d be liable to smash the pot over Frank’s head.
Also, Frank asked if you would like to come over here with the pots. He said that you would be able to make sure they arrived safely and that you could help install the pots in Dawson Park and stay for the launch party.
What do you think? I’m not sure where you’re based (Hunksville going on your photo!) but Frank says he will pay your train fare and, if it’s OK with you, you can stay in my house? I just spoke to him there at The Fort where he was playing the fruit machine. I said, ‘Have you won the jackpot Frank?’ and he said ‘I’ll win the jackpot, Bob, when these fucking pots arrive’.
Bob
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From: Peter Anderson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: VERY URGENT MR BOB
Mr Bob,
To remind you we need the payment of $10,000 so we can begin. I have the factory and boys ready to go. we will need a final deposit of $40,000 for the 2,000 pots for Frank’s new idea.