Delete This at Your Peril Page 16
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Last bit
I wonder if Benjamin likes fish?
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Benjamin and Bobby poem
Bobby and Benjamin are new friends,
Yes Benjamin and Bobby have just started something so great,
How sweet will it be if it can be build well in a solid foundation!
Even though they live in very distant nations
Yes this shouldn’t count since they have strong feeling
Maybe one day they will live together in Ealing
Very possible if really they both wish
I wonder if Benjamin likes fish?
Yes he like eating fish so much this days!
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Ok that’ll do
OK Benjamin, that’ll do us there.
Well done, what a wonderful poem. I had a great day today. My friend
Carol came round to the house and we washed my car together and made it look all pretty. I have attached a photo of Carol larking about on the car. I was going to get her to take a photo of me to send you but I am too shy!! I am worried that you won’t think I am beautiful.
Bobby x43
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: cheers
Whoa! Darling you have share your today joy with me! I can’t wait to see your picture, i will love it don’t worry. WHOM DO YOU DREAM ABOUT?
One day you will drive me, or won’t you? (Bobby, i have one thing in my character I don’t like people that doubt about what take their time.) I love it what is the car name? Thank you for brighting this joy. (Bobby, i have one thing in my character i dont like people that doubt on what they do).
I am working on an exciting business model for us that will help our future, my dear. It will need a little investment but not so much,
Benji
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Test
Benjamin,
Hello my darling, thank you for your kind words. The car is called
HOTPOT. Benjamin, Carol told me that I should give you a ‘gentleman’s test’. It’s three questions and you have to say what you would do in these situations –
1. We are in a bar and another woman comes over and asks you to kiss her or touch her knockers. What do you do?
2. I am in HOTPOT and I wipe out an entire flock of sheep because I’m doing my lipstick. What do you do?
3. I eat a lot of lovely ham and get very, very fat. What do you do?
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Gentleman test indeed
OK my answer
I will honestly never response to any other woman kisses when am with you
I have to stand by you under any situation as long as i love you, not only when it happen in my present but even in my absent. If this happens with HOTPOT I would help you as I could.
Yes, a change in your look will never have any effect in my love for you as long as i love you.
So what about the photo?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Dreamboat
Oh Benjamin,
You are wonderful. I am so nervous about sending you my photo! I do not have the courage yet. Please, can you send your one first? That would make me feel a lot better. I am so excited about seeing you, and showing you off to Carol and the rest of the girls! In the meantime, what is your favourite animal? I am generally lion mad but I also have a soft spot for the Australian kangaroo.
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: AM I CORRECT?
Dear,
My best animal is DOG I have one called Sharp. Am already having a feeling I can’t express. I will send photo as soon as it is possible for me to do the scanning. Meanwhile, there is something that worries me. I seem to have told you much about me but you never say anything or you are not clear? You are interested in the business I mention?
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: My House
Benjamin,
I cannot wait to see the photo. I know that it will make me feel as if my heart is, quite literally, on fire. Well, what else do you want to know about me? I get upset when people are cruel to animals, or when I drop some of my lovely ham on the kitchen floor or I can’t get my hair to look nice.
Talking about the old ‘Badger’s Lair’ (hair), I am going to go to the hairdresser’s at the weekend to get my hair looking nice and pretty for when I have my photo taken for sending to you. I hope you like it!
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: DO YOU BELIEVE
Bobby,
Would you be hurt if I ask this question. Are you serious with me? Do you believe in love, I mean real love BETWEEN MAN AND WOMAN? I think to love means that one might need to sacrifice? Things like money?
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: I see what you mean
Benjamin,
Yes, I believe that love means many sacrifices. God knows I found that out with my last boyfriend. He was a nasty man that used to call me names.
He used to say that I was mental and that he wasn’t my boyfriend, he was just my next-door neighbour and that I wasn’t even a woman! He was an idiot, I’m glad he’s not my boyfriend any more. He used to say ‘stop messing about Bob, you’re scaring me’. He was called Frank and he was a real hunk.
Where is your photo?
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My Picture
Darling,
Am very sorry keeping you waiting pls tell me you are not offended. This picture was taken by the beach. I waiting eagerly to read from you,
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: You take me breath away
Benjamin,
You are incredible! The way you are sitting there, it’s just great. You’re saying, “Yes, I’m on the beach, I’m relaxed, but I’m also serious. I am sitting here and thinking about Bobby, and what she might be doing right now. I wonder how she is? I think I’ll email her later and say hi. Ooh, it’s hot here on the beach. Would anyone like an ice cream? I like ice cream a lot, especially the mint choc chip. I’m Benjamin, and I want to be covered in ice cream”.
Those sunglasses – they make you look like a film star.
WELCOME TO THE BEACH
STARRING BENJAMIN SUMA
Do you know what I mean?
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: SO FUN
So joyful and loveable darling, thanks, you are a great imaginator!
I missed you a lot yesterday. I never seen you but you seem to have taken my whole lot of feeling! Well, we both better work hard to make it real and make happiness.
pls tell me something? Are you interested in business?
CHEERS
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From:
Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Question
Benjamin,
Have you ever heard of a clap-o-meter? They used to be on game shows all the time but not so much now. They’re machines that measure audience applause. I wondered, would you be able to make one for me?
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT
Bobby, good day, how are you today? Yes i will surely be glad to make one if i know how to. Bobby you promised, your picture? Your thoughts please on business?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: The Clap-O-Meter
Benjamin,
I was hoping you would say that. I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Can you make sure it works off the same batteries as my television remote please? I buy them in boxes of fifty from Nipper Kolacz.
I have been sitting staring at your photo for hours on end – you look so mysterious in those sunglasses.
It’s as if you are saying, “I’m Benjamin, and I’m a man to be reckoned with. I’m wearing sunglasses because it’s sunny but also because it makes me mysterious, a bit like a cowboy. Maybe one day I’ll move to the desert and be a cowboy. All day long I’ll ride my horse and then go back to Bobby’s house and she will have cooked me some lovely ham and potatoes and we’ll eat all the ham and potatoes and then we’ll go and sit down on the couch and watch The Antiques Roadshow and do each other’s hair.”
Was that more or less what you were thinking at the time? Oh, Benji, what are we going to do with you? You’re some guy. What are you going to use the build the clap-o-meter out of interest? Maybe that boat in the photo? I’m sorry that I haven’t sent you my photo. I’m just so worried that you won’t think I am beautiful.
Bobby
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Am waiting
Darling I promise, ask me anything and I will do. I do not know where wood will come from for the building but it will come. You must send the photo. I already love you in my mind and I will show my appreciation and build this thing for you. Believe me my good feeling for you is beyond explanations. I am waiting and then we need to talk about investment.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: I’m scared
Benjamin,
I’m so nervous! Carol is coming round tomorrow to help with my make-up and hair for the photo. I hope you think I’m pretty! Good luck with the Clapo-Meter, it should be relatively straightforward but don’t be too proud to ask for help if needed. You men are so stubborn sometimes!
Bobby x
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK
Thanks darling, am relief to read your mail. I will start to build it today. Yes you are so pretty than you might think i thought of you. I am waiting for the picture.
Benjamin
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: Promise
Do you promise you’ll think I’m pretty?
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From: Benjamin Suma
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Yes I did
YES I PROMISED YOU ARE SO PRETTY DARLING
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From: Bob Servant
To: Benjamin Suma
Subject: OK HERE WE GO!
Ok, well here is the photo,44 I hope you like it! Bobby x
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No Reply
42. Some overdue accuracy from Bob here. Scottish former world darts champion Jocky Wilson lost his last tooth at the age of 28 due to an aversion to brushing his teeth. In a newspaper interview in the 1980s, Wilson explained this was due to his grandmother informing him as a young child that, ‘the English poison the water’.
43. At this point, Bob supplied a photo of a woman dancing on a car bonnet and holding a bottle of OVD rum. I contacted this woman, whose name I will certainly not reveal, and she made it quite clear that the photo was not to be used in the book. It was a moment of madness, she explained, after she got chatting to Bob in the queue at Woolworth’s.
44. This man is not Bob Servant and I have not been able to ascertain his identity. I can, however, report that he’s an impressive-looking gentleman, and I really don’t see what Benji’s problem is.
10
Natalia and Her Grandmother
From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hi
Hello! I hope that you have good day and good mood. I want to tell a little about myself now. My name is Natalia. I’m 25, I live In Russia. I hope to find the serious relations with the man in the Internet, I was disappointed by the men from Russia. They abuse much alcohol and do not respect the women.
I live with my grandmother. We have small apartment in new area of city. I want to learn about you too. I want to know, what you want new in your life? My main desire it to create amicable family and look after my grandmother. I put my picture, that you could see me, in spite of the fact that we far now.
Your friend Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: Howdy
Natalia,
Nice to hear from you, and thank you for that glorious photo. Well, well, well, Natalia, where do I start? My name is, as you know, Bob Servant. I am a local business tycoon. First up was the Cheeseburger Wars which, you will probably have heard, were a very, very good time for me. Then I got hold of the Beach Avenue to Dawson Park windowcleaning round. I know what you’re thinking Natalia – ‘That’s not a round, that’s a bloody empire’. You’re spot on. It was a licence to print money Natalia. Windowcleaning money.45
Are you gearing up for the big one Natalia? Just a couple of days to go. I’m going Obama crazy and I don’t mind admitting it,
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
Hi my new friend Bob.
Is glad to receive your new letter. You have not sent a picture yourselves, please do it. I want to tell about myself little bit more. I live in small city Samara, in the Volga region. We have beautiful river near. I work helping to the homeless people because they have no money for this purpose.
I live with my grandmother. We have no telephone as our apartment is located in new area of city. I want to ask you some questions. Do you have childrens? Bob I wait from you the new letter and your picture. Yes I notice election in America. It seems a time exciting.
Natalia
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: Good Old Natalia
Natalia,
Thank you for your entertaining letter. It sounds to me like you and your grandmother have wonderful lives over there in Russia. You are a very lucky lady. I have attached a photo of myself that I hope you like. Would you be able to send me another one of yourself? If possible, I would prefer a photo of you in a hat. This is very important to me because there is an old Scottish poem that we use over here. You might have heard it read out by Mel Gibson in the movie BraveHat.
WHY A LADY MUST WEAR A HAT
If a lady is in a Hat
Then she will not treat you like a Rat
She will not get too Fat
Or make you dress like a Cat
Or hit you with a Bat
Or make you eat
a gymnastics Mat
Or set fire to your Flat
As long as she is wearing a Hat.
I look forward to seeing you in a hat,
Bob “Bob” Servant
PS Looking good for Obama. The Broughty Ferry Gazette have just come out for him.46
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From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I’m interesting you…
Hi Bob.
How you today? I am glad, that you have found time to write. Thanks for your picture, me to like. Bob, you there is a hat, unfortunately I never carried a hat and I to not have such pictures. I am sorry Bob. I send you new picture accepted in my house. I hope, that you with pleasure find time to answer to me, as your letters bring to me pleasure.
What sports you like?
What films you prefer to look?
From sports I prefer of volleyball and aerobic. Bob, what you think of these kinds of sports?
Bob, I think, that man likes fast driving the automobile. Dear, you have the automobile?
What stamps of automobiles you prefer?
I hope, that you find time to answer my letter. I shall wait for it with pleasure.
Yours Natalia.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Subject: NO HAT REQUIRED YOU BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!
Natalia,
Straight off the bat, don’t worry about the hat situation. After seeing your new photo I think that a hat would only ruin your beautiful face and neck. I have answered all your questions below and have added two of mine at the bottom for you to answer. Just one day till the election now Natalia and, my God, I think he’s going to do it.
Bobbers
ANSWERS TO YOUR WONDERFUL QUESTIONS
Hi Bob. How you today?
I’m fine Natalia. I’m ‘getting by’.
What sports you like?
I like bowling, darts, dominoes and skirt.
What films you prefer to look?
I like James Bond films and anything with a good twist or brief nudity.
From sports I prefer of volleyball and aerobic. Bob, what you think of these kinds of sports?
Natalia, I think they are shite sports.
Dear, you have the automobile?
You’d better believe it Natalia. I have a Godzilla Monkey 501, one of the biggest jeeps ever made. It is red and I need a bloody stepladder to get into it. I have attached a photo. What do you think?